Holy mother of FUCK as if I’m only just learning this?!?!!?!?!
I’ve been questioning what it means to be an adult. It’s weird because I am 21, that’s legal for everything in this country, that is legally an adult. But I can’t help but feel like I’m still that 16 year old high school kid. I mean in some ways things are different, I am living on my own in Seattle and working. I pay rent, utilities, electricity, a car payment etc., but something about “adulthood” feels like it’s missing. Maybe it’s the idea that if I’m not at work I’m at home (I’m pretty introverted, I don’t actually spend a lot of time with people if it’s not required) but I guess what I mean is that I can be home, I watch tv shows, read, I like lounging around, I don’t know why that doesn’t feel grown up to me, I know it does happen, I see my parents do that too. I think I just have a very convoluted image of what being an adult is. Or maybe it’s a lack of responsibility. I know I have responsibilities.
Honestly maybe it’s just that I’m not in a relationship, I don’t have kids, I don’t have a career. I really think that will make a difference to me. I have these high hopes of what that will be like. As if those are my ultimate goals and that’s when I’ll know I succeeded? Maybe this is just a weird middle age where I feel like I should be further along even though I am only 21, I have time and it will come. It’s just difficult waiting.
On a different note it’s finally April. Not that I was waiting for it, but I do like new starts. It’s a new month. I can set goals for the month. It’s time for me o get back to some habits I had earlier on, that’s when I was the happiest, when I was setting goals and standards for myself and livin up to them. when people could tell there was a change and when I was happy with it. It’s time to feel that way about myself again. For myself, not for others. I’ve been allowing myself to get too caught up in what others want and it’s time to go back to myself, I know that is what makes a difference to me.
I’m aware none of this really made sense and it’s very stream of consciousness but my point is that I am not pleased with myself currently, I need to get back to where I was a few months ago, at my happiest, doing things for myself and working on my own future, regardless of who may or may not be in it. That’s when I see the most positive things in my life.
Motivation is a strange thing. Like what motivates you to do something good, to get out and make yourself better? It’s funny that it’s driven by a feeling of not being good enough. I always seek some sort of motivation for what I do, it’s rarely simply because that is just the kind of person that I am. It’s normally because I want to do better, be better, look better. But think about the fact that we have to find sources to force us to do these things. Doesn’t that tell s it’s not meant for us maybe?
Just a random though. I’m actually all for motivation and honestly it’s make me happier to strive for being the best, I don’t see anything wrong with that. Just remember that is’ the striving part that makes you grow as a person so maybe motivation isn’t all that bad. Maybe evolutionarily we were made to respond to motivation and seeing others be better than us as a way of increasing survival.
Every time i hear my voice on a recording I can’e even believe it. There is no way I sound like this!… My voice does not sound this soft and girly to me.
So there it goes. The end of a quarter, but it brings a new start to a quarter. A new start to life, productivity and doing well for myself. I began to lose who I am and what I truly wanted to of life as the quarter went on. I am ready to start fresh. 11 weeks is a good amount of time to set goals I think. It’s long enough to reach them and short enough to keep your eye on the ball. So here’s to the start of my new found devotion to myself. It’s time to get my shit together so that come summer I can truly relax, be comfortable with myself and have a great time. You only live once so better make the most of it.